The first thing I need to tell you is that if I’m going to get really honest in this episode, it's very important to me that this doesn’t come off as whiny. I have an extremely privileged life. I live in a beautiful house in the suburbs of Boston. I have a nurturing and wonderful husband who supports everything I do. My bills are taken care of. I have two beautiful, healthy, perfect children. I am extremely privileged in my life.

So why is it that I feel, a lot of the time, like I’m not measuring up? Like I haven’t mastered the art of being the perfect wife, mother, and homemaker. Why is it that I live every day feeling like I’m never good enough? Do you guys have any idea how much time, effort, resources, and money it takes to launch your own business? Of course, you do, because you’re doing it right now. To launch your business, you need unwavering faith in what you’re doing. Faith that nobody else is giving you. Because if something doesn’t work after the first month, people are telling you, “Okay, well that didn’t work,” but you know that you’re going to be here year after year after year, making it work.

You know that if you don’t have that unwavering hope, it’s really not going to work, and you need that hope to come from somewhere. And it’s going to come from you. So when we’re all dealing with being a parent, being a wife and mother, and doing everything around the house, plus getting our businesses taken care of, it’s almost like we have four different jobs in one. We’re expected to manage all of those parts, manage all of those jobs, finish them all perfectly, keep the house perfectly clean, perfectly fed with all the right portions of fruits, meats, and everything—no snacks, no junk food ever. And we’re supposed to make everything look easy.

At the end of the day, I’ve worked just as many hours as my husband, but I still have to make sure everything is done perfectly and that it all looks easy. Are you with me? By the way, my husband is a wonderful person. This is not a jab at my husband. But it’s very important for us, you and me, to be talking about this. We need to realize that the way things were when our parents were younger is not the way things are now.

While we were growing up, your mom may have been a homemaker, and that was her sole job—to take care of you, take care of the house, get the groceries, take care of everything, make everything look easy, never ask for anything. That is just not the world we live in. We live in a world where we started our businesses to be so independent that we can do anything we want. We can travel whenever we want. We can take our kids wherever they want to go. It’s simply a different time.

So why are we still holding ourselves to 1950s standards? I discovered something that I wanted to share with you, because my husband and I come from very different backgrounds. His mother was a homemaker, my mother worked outside the home, and I discovered something that I’ve been beating myself up about for years. I’ve been beating myself up because I don’t like to do housework. There, I said it. I said it out loud, and now it’s out on the internet, and everybody knows. I don’t like doing housework. Who’s going to come after me? I don’t like it. I don’t like doing laundry. I don’t like making food. I don’t like cleaning the house every single day. I don’t like it.

Somebody has to do it. I’m not saying the solution is, “Well, Ina, don’t do it anymore, hire somebody else.” I already have a cleaning lady who comes over once every couple of weeks. But I’m still taking care of my kids, I’m still taking care of my house, I’m still doing all these things. I just don’t like it. And for years, not liking these things used to be interpreted in my mind as, “I don’t like being a mom.” Because in this day and age, in this environment, in this country, we intermingle what it means to be a mom with being a housekeeper. In this country, those two things are one and the same. If you say, “I don’t want to do the laundry, I don’t want to clean the house,” people will ask, “Then why did you have kids?”

Right now, those two things are meshed, and if you don’t like one, it makes you feel guilty, as if it means you don’t like being a mom. I’m here to tell you, and give you full permission, to separate those two concepts. I want you to separate them. I want you to turn being a homemaker into its own job. Being a mom is a completely different thing.

In the movie The Wild Robot, you see this robot who, by accident, becomes a mother. It has to sacrifice and reprogram itself. It’s like the most impossible job—to raise this little thing. Every time you want to do something, you get interrupted. That’s a staple of motherhood, right? We all go through this. We get interrupted all the time. That’s just part of being a mother. Just because I don’t like to be interrupted doesn’t mean I don’t like being a mother. Just because I don’t like cleaning up doesn’t mean I don’t like being a mom.

So, you know what I did this weekend? I did a little experiment. Number one, I have standards. I like my house to be clean. I like my laundry to be done. I like for things to be done. So by the time Saturday rolled around, all the home tasks had been done, and, by the way, my kids helped me with them. They’re great at cleaning up the living room. But I decided to run a little experiment. I said, “This weekend, I’m going to separate being a mom from being a housekeeper, and I’m going to check out what that feels like.”

So we finished all the housework, and I took my kids out. But instead of taking them someplace they wanted to go, because they always want to go to the same place—the same diner—I said, “We’re going to go where I want to go.” I’m actually going to spend time with my kids that has nothing to do with babysitting them, nothing to do with catering to their every need. I’m just going to hang out with them, the way that I am, and the way that they are. Let’s see if we can actually have some fun without it feeling like I’m a nanny, like I’m a housekeeper, like I’m here to do a job. What does that feel like?

So we went to the restaurant I wanted to go to, and they had a blast. They had exactly the meal they wanted. I had exactly the meal I wanted. They were playing with that little machine that has games in the restaurant. We got to talk, we got to sing in the car. After that, we made an impulsive decision to go to this place called Jordan’s Furniture, a big place here in New England. It’s a furniture store, but also an entertainment center. We went, and they have this water fountain concert, and we got to check that out for a little bit. They had all these animatronics, and we went through the entire store, looking at everything, and having a good time. Then I ended up at the mattress store because I realized I needed a new mattress, and I bought one. The kids behaved so well. After that, we decided to check out a movie. We saw The Wild Robot together, and I invited one of my kids’ friends so he’d have someone to hang out with. We just had a good time. No nanny job, no housekeeping. Just a good time with my kids.

It’s okay for us to separate what being a housekeeper is from being a mom. Being a mom is so much more than doing laundry, making food, packing lunches, and keeping people entertained. It’s so much more than that. Housekeeping is a job. Being a mom is about memories with your kids, liking your kids for who they are, and telling them so. It’s hanging out with them like they’re people. It’s making sure they stay within the lines, teaching them right from wrong.

When we were at the store, my kids were very well-behaved, but my little seven-year-old couldn’t help himself and started jumping up and down on the mattress. I wasn’t looking, and one of the workers had to tell him, “Hey, get down from there!” I thought, “Oh no, not my kids! My kids are not going to be those kids that workers have to tell to get down from things.” So I took them down, separated them—one sat here, one sat there—and I finished my transaction. They were even called “angels” by the workers afterward. Then I talked to them, explaining right from wrong. “Do you know why I separated you? Do you know why it was bad to be jumping on the bed? Do you know why it’s bad to go to someone’s workplace and start acting out and disrupting the environment? Do you know what being on your best behavior feels like?” They said yes, they understood, and I know next time they’ll behave. That was it.

I’m here with you today to tell you that it’s such an important part of your life to figure out what being a mother is versus what being a housekeeper is. If you love the homemaking jobs, more power to you. If you’re amazing at everything you do every day, great. But if you’ve been feeling guilty, if you’ve been feeling like you’re not measuring up, like you’re not pulling your weight as a mom because you didn’t take your kid to the doctor’s appointment on time, I want to tell you—you have so much on your plate, and some things are going to give. But being a mom is completely separate from being a housekeeper. And it’s okay if you don’t like the housekeeper job.

It’s totally fine. Now, somebody has to do it—we all do things we don’t necessarily want to do. But I just want to separate those two concepts for you right now. I’m giving you permission to give yourself major props for being an amazing mother. For being there for your kids. For talking to them, teaching them right from wrong. And everything else. Listen, we’re not perfect at everything we do. We’re not perfect in our business, we’re not perfect in this homemaker job, but we can still be amazing moms, even if we don’t like to do laundry.

Maybe this is something I just needed to say out loud for myself. Maybe I’ll listen to this episode every once in a while to remind myself of what is truly important. And when anger seeps in, when feelings of not being good enough start to rise, I want you to remember—you’re doing a great job. You’re raising kids, and you’re going to be fine. It’s okay if you don’t like parts of the homemaker role because it is a job in itself. And the fact that we have to do all of it is BS. So make sure you’re communicating with your spouse and loved ones and getting some help, because it’s BS to expect everything to be done perfectly all the time.

Again, I’ll probably recite this episode just so I can listen to it later. I don’t think I followed any of my notes here, but I hope I didn’t come across as whiny or angry. I’m just here to tell you that I’m going through this, that I’m working through it. I wrote down in my notes that I wanted to tell you to get help. It could be help from a therapist, or from a trauma-informed life strategist. If you want to steal mine, her name is Alyssa Smith. I’ll put her information below. Talking to Alyssa has been amazing. She did a TED Talk on how to stop procrastinating because of trauma. It’s incredible—I’ll link it below. I helped her write it, and seeing my words on the TEDx stage was an incredible experience. Her talk now has over 50,000 views, and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I continue to hire her for all my life strategy needs because Alyssa has a magic that helps you overcome these things.

So if this is the kind of help you need, set up a meeting with her to see if working with her is right for you. You can follow her on Instagram at @alyssacsmith. I’m getting help from Alyssa, I’m getting help from a therapist, and I’m going to couple’s therapy with my husband so we can tackle our joint issues together. Get help—doing this by yourself is extremely difficult. If you want to make it a little easier, give yourself the gift of doing it with support.

Finally, let me check my notes...yes, I wrote down: “Loving your kids does not equal loving housework.” Completely different things. You’re welcome to get help. Communicate your needs. Whatever you need, make sure you’re saying it out loud because you matter. Your needs are valid.

Thank you so much for coming today. We’re going to have another amazing interview on the podcast with Alex, the founder of Podmatch.com. He’s a serial entrepreneur, someone you really need to meet and watch. He has an incredible story, going from one of those real estate bros, doing really well, to losing it all, to finding himself. He’s the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. So that entire story is in our next episode. Make sure you follow and subscribe wherever you are. If you’re watching this on YouTube, hit subscribe so you don’t miss another episode. If you’re listening on the podcast, make sure to follow. I’ll see you next week!