Ina Coveney: Elyssa Smith is a trauma-informed life strategist who has a TED talk that is approaching 50,000 views on YouTube. And she talks to executives and CEOs about how to get out of their own way so that they can reach higher. Today, we're going to get into really more personal things that are happening inside our hearts, inside our minds, inside our businesses that we're not even realizing.

Ina Coveney: But Elyssa knows. Elyssa knows all of this, and we're going to talk to her right now. Elyssa! Thank you so much for being here.

Elyssa Smith: Thank you so much for having me. I've been looking forward to this.

Ina Coveney: I'm so excited to talk to you because everybody should know we are very good friends, right?

Elyssa Smith: We are. Well, that's what you think, but—

Ina Coveney: I'm sorry, did that come out loud? No, don't tell me that. That's a trigger for me right there. But everybody needs to know that from this point forward, I will not be pronouncing your name accurately. I want the whole world to know that because I don't want them to think that is the way to say it.

Ina Coveney: I said "Elisa" because that's the Spanish way to pronounce it, but please, everybody, if you meet with Elyssa, just don't call her Lisa just because I say it. Can you please tell everybody how to pronounce your name?

Elyssa Smith: Elyssa. Thank you.

Ina Coveney: Okay. That's what everybody should know. But I didn’t realize—I mean, this is the thing. This is what I love about us. It never dawned on me that you were pronouncing my name any differently until you introduced me to some people, and they started calling me Elisa. And I was like, why do they think that's my name?

Elyssa Smith: Oh, wait, we met through Ina.

Ina Coveney: Yeah, so I’ve been telling people, like, oh, Elyssa, Elisa. And then my friend—

Elyssa Smith: And they’re like, I don’t think you’re saying her name right.

Ina Coveney: And I’m like, no, I know that. Why don’t you know that? It is a pre-agreed upon standard between the two of us that you say "Elisa." So welcome, Elyssa.

Elyssa Smith: Thank you, thank you very much.

Ina Coveney: Can you please tell everybody what it is that you do right now and who you help right now?

Elyssa Smith: Absolutely. Every time I say it, I can’t really believe that this is what I get to do and get paid for it. So I get to help specifically female founders and CEOs work on their limiting beliefs from a trauma-informed perspective because most people have no idea the depth that things like procrastination, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and people-pleasing have.

Elyssa Smith: Those all have really deep roots most of the time. So I get to help uncover what those roots are. We get rid of them, and then you can just run for your dreams. It’s the best feeling.

Ina Coveney: So in this podcast, I really like to talk to people who have achieved certain levels of success, and it’s almost impossible to do that without some self-awareness. Yes, right? Which is why I’m thrilled to have this conversation with you because I kind of want to start waking people up. This is what’s going to happen in this podcast: we’re going to be waking people up.

Elyssa Smith: Okay.

Ina Coveney: So for me—and I want you to define what self-awareness means to you, because you’re in that world, like this is your job, right?—but I’m going to tell you from, like, a layman’s terms: to me, self-awareness is knowing why we do things. Like literally, why we do things.

Ina Coveney: I know a lot of very un-self-aware people who, when I ask them, why did you do that, their first reaction is, oh, because of that external stimuli. It’s like, oh, why did you not do the dishes when you were supposed to? (I’m not talking about anybody in particular, okay. I just want to stress that I’m not trying to frame anybody.)

Elyssa Smith:
laughs

Ina Coveney: Why didn’t you do the dishes when you were supposed to? And they go, oh, because whatever came up, right? But when something becomes a pattern of behavior in our lives, it’s really important and incumbent upon us to figure out why aren’t we doing the dishes, why aren’t we going for that big speaking engagement, why aren’t we starting that podcast?

Ina Coveney: If the reason you’re giving yourself is because of whatever immediate stimuli, you are not really digging into why you are doing the things you’re doing. So that’s what self-awareness is to me, and it seems impossible to me that anybody would be successful without it. How do you define self-awareness?

Elyssa Smith: I love this question, and I love how you defined it. It really is understanding the way that you work beyond just your default programming. So if your default is, "I’m a people-pleaser," or—I hear this all the time, so my TEDx talk is about procrastination, and I hear this from people all the time—“I’m just a procrastinator. It’s just who I am; it’s how I work best.”

Elyssa Smith: But that is just accepting your default. And if you’re not looking for reasons why—because it’s possible that it’s not getting in your way a lot—but particularly for things that you don’t want to be doing, if you’re not looking deeper, that’s that lack of self-awareness. So self-awareness, for me, is just being able to look deeper than your default and really understand what’s causing the behaviors that may not be helping you out very much.

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Ina Coveney: So what is one thing that people normally, like everybody, misunderstand, right? Because people may be hearing this and thinking, "Oh, I’m plenty self-aware. I feel like I’ve done the work, right? This is really not for me." What do you think is one of the biggest misconceptions that people have about self-awareness and that they continuously get tripped up by because they’re not aware of it?

Elyssa Smith: So if there are things that you have historically felt that the solution is just to work harder and push through, and that if you don’t accomplish those things, it’s because you didn’t work hard enough—that is almost never the reason.

Ina Coveney: Hold on, what did you just say to me? Can you say that one more time?

Elyssa Smith: If you are not accomplishing goals and you’re interpreting it to mean that you’re just not working hard enough, you are almost certainly wrong that that is the reason you’re not accomplishing things.

Ina Coveney: Okay, that’s what I’m talking about when we talk about waking people up. Because so many people just woke up like, "What are you talking about?!" You know what? I do tend to procrastinate sometimes. It’s my fault because I shouldn’t be procrastinating. I know that I allotted that time to do that thing, and then I didn’t do it because I was browsing TikTok. Like, that’s why I wasn’t doing it. But it’s nothing deep, right? I just procrastinate sometimes. It happens to everybody. What do you say to people like that?

Elyssa Smith: The first thing we look at is how often this happens and what it’s stopping you from. If it’s only happened twice in your life, and it wasn’t really at the expense of anything important—not a big deal. It probably is just sort of like, "I just chose that, and I could have worked, and I chose not to."

Elyssa Smith: But if it’s a pattern, and if you notice that in your life, in your business, the really important things—like your dreams, your goals, the things you’re really reaching for—are the things that are impacted negatively by those seemingly small behaviors, we know it’s something deeper than just a random choice not to work hard.

Ina Coveney: Okay, before we continue to dive into it, I want everybody to know that you didn’t just crawl out from under a rock and start talking about this. I want people to know—did you see that? I want people to know—you’ve walked your talk. You have been there. And I want you to kind of paint a picture of what your story is that landed you in doing this kind of work.

Elyssa Smith: Where do I begin? As a chronic people-pleaser, perfectionist, procrastinator, a person who grew up feeling like an imposter—I felt like I was never allowed to be wrong. I had a great childhood. This is what’s hard: if you can’t point to anything in your past that resulted in you being really messed up, it’s really hard not to feel like it’s your fault.

Elyssa Smith: Even if you have had something big and difficult happen to you, our brains normalize it. The brain is a beautiful thing, and it causes us to survive really awful circumstances and really covert awful circumstances by normalizing them. So it will make you think, "This is just how everyone grew up," or, "You had it better than so many other people."

Elyssa Smith: I grew up thinking that. By the time I got to my twenties, I actually was considering not being here anymore because I felt like I was so deeply flawed and no one knew the real flawed me. So it sent me to therapy, thank God.

Elyssa Smith: My first therapist was like, "What’s it like to be angry in your family of origin?" And I was like, "Oh, we are not angry." You know, because I had this loving family, this great upbringing. And I was like, "Oh no, no one was ever angry," because, in my mind, anger is this bad thing, right?

Elyssa Smith: I grew up in a perfectionistic household where we never expressed big feelings. I thought I was defective for having them. And so then I went on this journey in my twenties, collecting people in my life who played into my dysfunction of people-pleasing to a fault, and ended up in a toxic relationship, ended up in toxic jobs. Finally, I decided to get a coaching certification because I was just like, "I’ve got to find a way to help people that are hurting the way I’ve been hurting."

Elyssa Smith: And so, long story short, after probably about 15 years, I ended up having my son, I was married, and I had this really toxic relationship. I had birth trauma and medical trauma from that time period, and also all these years of perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing to a fault.

Elyssa Smith: I remember recovering from all those traumas—which I did not recognize as traumas at the time. I wasn’t even recovering yet. I was just sitting. And I felt like I was sitting in the dark, like there wasn’t even a light at the end of the tunnel. I just thought, "I need to be better. I need to do more. I need to work harder. And because I physically or emotionally can’t right now, it’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me."

Elyssa Smith: In that moment, when I didn’t know if I was going to come out of this, I swore—I wrote down in a journal, actually—that if I ever made it to the other side of this darkness, this self-inflicted cloud of me just knowing that my laziness was the problem, my distractibility was the problem, if I could just work harder and make myself do the things I needed to do, then my business would take off. Then my baby would do better. Then my marriage would do better. We’d have more money. All these different things.

Elyssa Smith: It was all, I thought, on my shoulders because I wasn’t working hard enough. I decided if I could get out of this, if I could find a way to work harder and get to the other side, I would map the way out for other women coming after me who also felt the same.

Elyssa Smith: It turns out I was targeting the wrong problem. As I started to research and understand that I was going through trauma—and that I had been through trauma—I started to research brain science to figure out, "Why can’t I force myself to do the things that need to be done to build the business, to do this, to do that?"

Elyssa Smith: I started to realize that I was barking up the entirely wrong tree. So then I started really looking at what is actually effective to change your brain in a very simple way so that you can just get out of your own way. And you don’t even have to deal with the procrastination and imposter syndrome at that point.

Elyssa Smith: I feel like the hardest part of self-awareness is that I didn’t really have any big traumas in my life. I didn’t grow up in a war-torn country or have an awful childhood. I had a family, two sisters, went to school, went to college, got a degree, and now I have my own business. My life is not that hard. So why would the word "trauma" even enter my vocabulary when I’m trying to figure out why I didn’t get that podcast episode done last week?

Ina Coveney: Absolutely. This is the question most people have. If they’re not aware of trauma, but they’re still having the outward signs that something deeper is beneath their self-sabotage behaviors, like procrastination, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, people-pleasing, being hard on yourself—all of those are signs that there’s something deeper. But many of us feel the same as you: "I can’t point to the thing. If I had grown up in a war-torn country, maybe that would make sense for me. But I didn’t. My parents are happily married. What’s going on?"

Elyssa Smith: That’s where the different types of trauma come into play. We have three types. Two of them are more commonly recognized. The third one is my own iteration to help us talk about this.

Elyssa Smith: The first one is big T trauma. This is the kind we all think of—big, bad things, violent things, war, being attacked, all of that.

Elyssa Smith: The next one, lesser known but more widely discussed now, is called little T trauma. Little T trauma includes smaller, non-violent types of traumas that are still significantly emotionally disturbing. Things like bullying, losing a pet and having no emotional support, or other situations where emotional needs were not met.

Elyssa Smith: The third type of trauma I have coined is tiny T trauma. This is not a widely accepted term—it’s just how I describe it to help us talk about it. Tiny T trauma refers to smaller, often unnoticed experiences of emotional unmet needs in childhood.

Elyssa Smith: For example, if you had a parent who worked themselves to the bone and never took a break, your little brain would have internalized that as, "Oh, it’s not safe to take breaks." So now, you work really, really hard, then burn out, then repeat. These self-defeating patterns can emerge from tiny T trauma.

Elyssa Smith: Every single person who has dealt with ongoing, repeated ways of getting in their own way—self-sabotage behaviors—has some semblance of tiny T trauma.

Ina Coveney: Okay, what does that mean for me? What kind of tiny T trauma could have been in my life that I didn’t even register?

Elyssa Smith: It could be something as simple as being made fun of. I had a woman I was talking to last week. She shared with me a very vivid memory of walking down her middle school hallway and someone making fun of her appearance.

Elyssa Smith: She doesn’t have other memories of bullying, but she had another memory of her sisters making fun of her when she started to speak up. She said, "Could that be why I find it hard in my business to articulate my messaging and why I want to hide from social media?" I told her, "We’d have to do a session to be sure, but that is the kind of thing that can have a direct impact on your business and life today."

Elyssa Smith: She said, "But that just happened one time. Why would that be such a big deal?"

Ina Coveney: And by the way, I want everybody to know that I’m helping the conversation along because I am not trying to undermine this. I want Elyssa to be answering things that might be in your head. But by no means am I trying to minimize what that pain is like because I have felt it myself.

Ina Coveney: Okay, so I wanted to say that out loud so people don’t think that I’m just a jerk. Like, "That doesn’t make any sense. What are you talking about?" These may be things that are going through your mind: "Why is that even a big deal? Why is that stopping me now, 30 years later?"

Elyssa Smith: Everybody’s brain handles input differently. But once it classifies the input as trauma, everybody’s brain does the same thing, which is to go into immediate survival mode.

Elyssa Smith: It doesn’t matter if it happened one time or multiple times, if it was big T, little T, or tiny T trauma. If your brain took it in as trauma, brain scans show there’s an actual mark on the brain matter itself that indicates when the trauma happened.

Elyssa Smith: There’s a great book called The Body Keeps the Score that explains how your brain remembers. So, while the same scenario might not have affected you or me as trauma, Dr. Peter Levine—a trauma specialist—defines trauma as anything that overwhelms the senses to the point where your brain has to start coping in unhealthy, unhelpful ways.

Elyssa Smith: When your brain goes into survival mode, your right brain takes over. I call it the "right brain hostile takeover." Your left brain—the logic, rationality, higher-level decision-making—is no longer available.

Elyssa Smith: And so, when your protector parts are rushing to the scene because your right brain says, "Whoop, there’s something big happening! It’s unsafe right now," that’s trauma’s message to your brain: "The world is an unsafe place, I better protect myself."

Elyssa Smith: That’s how even small experiences can leave a lasting mark. The brain doesn’t distinguish between the size of the event—it only cares about whether it was overwhelming enough to trigger survival mode. That’s why a seemingly small incident, like someone making fun of you in middle school, can impact your life and decisions decades later.

Ina Coveney: I remember one time when I booked a session with you because I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know why. To this day, I don’t even remember what that session was about. All I remember is that I could not stop crying—like, ugly crying. And I couldn’t figure out why.

Ina Coveney: And you acted like a detective during that session, trying to figure out what triggered it. You found it, and I was so impressed because I wasn’t giving you anything! I wasn’t saying, "Oh, maybe it could be this or that." I was like, "No, none of that hits." I had no idea. And yet, you figured it out.

Elyssa Smith: That’s what I do! Trauma detective work is my jam.

Ina Coveney: You were sitting there on Zoom, with your notepad, like, "We’re figuring this out." And when we got to the root of it, I thought, "Whoa, I had no idea this was inside of me." How did you do that?

Elyssa Smith: I honestly don’t have any memories of being unable to figure it out for someone. That’s not to toot my own horn—it’s just about understanding how the brain works. All I need are the clues: When did this start? What’s happening now? You tell me the behavior or emotional reaction you’re experiencing today, and I’ll ask targeted questions that connect it to past experiences.

Elyssa Smith: Once we find that connection, that’s the beautiful part. We can start rewiring your brain right then and there. It’s such an amazing process to witness.

Ina Coveney: And it really is transformative. I’ve experienced it myself. Before we leave the topic of trauma and self-sabotaging behaviors like procrastination, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism, I’d love for you to leave our listeners with a simple checklist. If they’re listening and thinking, "I’ve been stuck for years on something I really want to do, like starting a podcast or raising my prices, but I just can’t get past it," what are three steps they can take right now to start moving forward?

Elyssa Smith: Absolutely. And let’s add to that list: trouble delegating or hiring a team. That comes up a lot, too.

Elyssa Smith: Step one: Notice the behaviors that you don’t want to continue. If everything feels fine and you’re okay with the burnout pattern you’re in, this isn’t for you. But if you feel like you’re playing small or you get to the brink of success and can’t seem to follow through, that’s something to observe.

Elyssa Smith: Step two: Identify the gap between where you are now and where you want to be. What’s stopping you from doing the things that would make your goals happen? If the answer isn’t "work harder," what is it? Maybe it’s stopping self-doubt, getting a solid plan, or learning to delegate. Whatever it is, start there.

Elyssa Smith: Step three: Regulate your nervous system daily. And I’ll share my 3S Framework to help with that. This framework is designed to bring your brain out of survival mode so you can access your higher-level thinking.

Ina Coveney: Yes! Share the 3S Framework with us.

Elyssa Smith: Of course. The first S is Safety. When you’re stressed, pause and take three deep breaths. Research shows that three slow breaths send a signal to your survival brain that you’re not in immediate danger. Your body can’t be in survival mode if it’s breathing slowly and deeply.

Elyssa Smith: The second S is Self-Nurturing. This isn’t about bubble baths—it’s about nurturing your senses. Maybe it’s drinking a hot cup of tea, feeling a soft blanket, or listening to soothing music. By engaging your senses, you send another signal to your brain that you’re safe.

Elyssa Smith: The third S is Support. Connect with someone who feels safe, whether it’s a friend, coach, or therapist. Even sending a quick text can remind your brain that you’re not alone. Without connection, your brain stays in survival mode, thinking you’re isolated and vulnerable.

Elyssa Smith: When you combine these three steps—safety, self-nurturing, and support—you create a powerful process for self-awareness and productivity.

Ina Coveney: I love that framework. And honestly, I think that third step, support, is where a lot of us high-achievers struggle. We don’t want to be a burden or seem weak. But having that connection can make all the difference.

Elyssa Smith: Exactly. Without it, your brain will keep thinking you’re on your own and under threat.

Ina Coveney: Before we wrap up, let’s talk about toxic relationships. You mentioned earlier that you were in a toxic relationship. How did you realize it was toxic?

Elyssa Smith: I thought the problem was me. I kept thinking, "If I could just communicate better, be less needy, or more forgiving, this relationship would improve." That’s the problematic thinking—it’s all on one side.

Elyssa Smith: When I stepped away from the relationship and got therapy, I started to see the patterns of emotional and psychological harm that chipped away at my identity. I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.

Elyssa Smith: The pain I was experiencing wasn’t the kind that makes you stronger—it was the kind that damages you. And that’s how I define toxic relationships: they diminish who you are, instead of helping you grow into your true self.

Ina Coveney: That’s such a powerful distinction—pain that strengthens versus pain that injures. I think a lot of people need to hear this. Let’s break it down further. How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? What are some signs people can look for?

Elyssa Smith: Great question. Here’s a quick checklist:
You feel less confident around the person. If your confidence drops and you second-guess yourself when you’re with them, that’s a big red flag.
You doubt your version of reality. You may find yourself thinking, "Did that really happen? Am I remembering this right?" This is often a sign of gaslighting or emotional manipulation.
You feel significantly more at ease when you’re not around them. If their absence feels like a relief, it’s worth examining why.
You constantly worry about how they see you. If you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them or to gain their approval, that’s another sign.

Elyssa Smith: If any of these resonate with you, it’s worth exploring further. Toxic relationships aren’t always blatantly abusive; they can be subtle and insidious.

Ina Coveney: Do you think successful women tend to gravitate toward these kinds of relationships? Is there a pattern you’ve seen?

Elyssa Smith: Yes, there’s definitely a pattern. Many successful women—myself included—reach a certain level of achievement because we’ve learned to tolerate a lot of hardship. We’ve built resilience by putting others’ needs first, by being "tough enough" to carry the load.

Elyssa Smith: The problem is, if you chose your relationship before developing deep self-awareness, there’s a solid chance it was based on that same dynamic—your ability to endure and self-sacrifice. And while that might work initially, it eventually creates a ceiling for growth and fulfillment, both personally and professionally.

Ina Coveney: So, for women in this position, what’s the first step to resolving it? Especially if they’re thinking, "Maybe I can just fix it by doing more or working harder."

Elyssa Smith: That’s such a common instinct, but it’s the wrong approach. The first step is to focus inwardly—not on fixing the relationship, but on healing yourself. Start by validating your own feelings and needs.

Elyssa Smith: Often, as you build self-awareness and self-validation, your needs become clearer. You’ll begin to naturally set boundaries and ask for what you need—not from a place of anger or desperation, but from a calm, centered place of knowing who you are.

Elyssa Smith: Sometimes, that clarity transforms the relationship. Other times, it reveals that the relationship isn’t sustainable. Either way, the work starts with you.

Ina Coveney: I love that perspective—it’s empowering but also realistic. For women who are afraid of what they might discover, or worried that their relationship might not survive this process, what advice would you give them?

Elyssa Smith: First, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you don’t have to figure it all out today. The path unfolds one step at a time. Focus on the next right step, whether that’s journaling, working with a therapist, or just giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling.

Elyssa Smith: And remember: the hardest part is realizing something needs to change. Once you make that decision, the rest often falls into place faster than you think.

Ina Coveney: That’s such a hopeful message. And honestly, I’ve seen it in you. I’ve watched you take incredible leaps, not just in your personal life but also in your business. It’s so inspiring to see how this work can lead to such transformational change.

Elyssa Smith: Thank you. It really does. The work I’ve done to heal and rewire my brain is what allows me to show up fully in my life now. My son and I get to live a life that feels aligned and joyful. I have a thriving business, a team, and so much to look forward to. It’s all because I made the choice to address what wasn’t working.

Ina Coveney: And that’s exactly why I wanted you on the podcast. Your story is proof that when we do this deep work, the possibilities are endless.

Ina Coveney: Before we wrap up, tell everyone where they can find you and how they can connect with you.

Elyssa Smith: Absolutely. You can find me on Instagram @elyssacsmith and on LinkedIn as Elyssa Smith. For any women listening who want to be around this vibe, I also have a free Facebook community called the Stress Less Lounge, where I go live weekly.

Ina Coveney: I’ll make sure all of those links are in the show notes. Elyssa, thank you so much for joining me today and for sharing so much wisdom. You are truly amazing.

Elyssa Smith: Thank you for having me. It’s always such a joy to talk with you, Ina.

Ina Coveney: And to everyone listening, remember: you’re not alone. Whether it’s uncovering hidden trauma, breaking through self-sabotaging patterns, or navigating challenging relationships, there is a way forward. Thank you for tuning in, and we’ll see you next time!