Ina Coveney: Today I have the pleasure of introducing you to one of my best friends, Elyssa Smith. She's an amazing coach. She's somebody that you really need to have on your radar, and I can't wait to dive into your story, Elyssa. Thank you so much for being here.

Elyssa Smith: Oh my goodness! I'm so excited! We've been waiting for this. This is so much fun.

Ina Coveney: I know! I can’t wait. So why don’t you tell everybody what you do right now and who you serve?

Elyssa Smith: I'm a trauma-informed life strategist. What that means is that I help women who are struggling and feel like they’re getting in their own way with self-sabotage, procrastination, people-pleasing—anything like that. I help them uncover any traumas behind those behaviors so that they can heal and get rid of those behaviors for good.

Ina Coveney: Yeah, and you and I have talked about this a lot, and I’m so glad that everybody who’s listening is going to get to hear this. We’re going to dive into what trauma really is. Half the population is probably afraid that they’re going to be traumatized if we start talking about trauma, and the other half probably feels like it doesn’t apply to them because they don’t think they’ve experienced significant trauma. We’ll dive into exactly what that means and how your strategies can help everyone. But what I like to do is go back to the beginning. I want you to tell everybody—where were you born, and what was little childhood Elyssa like?

Elyssa Smith: Little Elyssa was born in Muncie, Indiana, in the middle of a bunch of cornfields. I was born in a hospital—just to clarify, not in a cornfield! But we lived on what used to be a dairy farm. We didn’t have cows; instead, it became almost like a rescue center. We lived near a bridge where people would unfortunately dump boxes of kittens and puppies. My family started rescuing them, so I grew up surrounded by all these little animals, placing them and giving them homes. My childhood was a mix of frolicking in the meadows, playing pretend as Native American princesses with my mom, and rescuing these little animals.

Ina Coveney: That’s such a unique way to grow up! Did you have any siblings growing up? I didn’t have pets, but I had sisters.

Elyssa Smith: Yes, I have a younger brother and a younger sister. I’m the oldest, the “hero,” the “fixer” of the family. My sister is two years younger than me. We didn’t get along until we became adults, but now we’re the best of friends. My younger brother is six years younger. I was about eight when we moved to the farm, and he was two. I remember finding him outside, under a pile of puppies, just a tiny toddler wandering around with grass in his mouth and a plastic hammer in his hand.

Ina Coveney: What did your parents do for a living?

Elyssa Smith: My mom was a French professor and later a high school French teacher. Now she’s a therapist. My dad was a landscape architecture professor and is now a dean at a university.

Ina Coveney: Wow! That’s such a rich background. What stands out most to you about your childhood relationships with your family—your parents, your siblings? What did that feel like?

Elyssa Smith: I thought I had the perfect childhood. At the time, I just assumed the struggles I faced were normal and that everyone dealt with them. I grew up feeling like it was my job to keep everyone happy. I took on the role of the pleaser, the high-achiever, the one who got the awards and the good grades. My sister and brother each had their roles in the family dynamic too. Looking back, I realize now that these dynamics caused pain, but at the time, I didn’t recognize it as such.

Ina Coveney: Is there a specific memory from that time that stands out to you—something that shaped you in some way?

Elyssa Smith: I remember getting my first B in middle school. It felt like a huge failure to me. The strange thing was my parents didn’t seem to care, but I internalized it as, “What’s wrong with me? I thought I was supposed to be perfect.” That was the moment when I started feeling like I was the problem.

Ina Coveney: Where do you think that pressure came from if not from your parents?

Elyssa Smith: They never explicitly pressured me, but they held themselves to impossible standards. Watching them, I learned to do the same.

Ina Coveney: Fast forward a little—what was high school like? Were you still that studious kid, or did things start to shift?

Elyssa Smith: High school was tough. I was constantly bullied, especially after we moved to the farm area. The bullying intensified, and it fed my perfectionism. I felt like I had to push myself even harder to perform and succeed. I also downplayed the bullying, rationalizing it as something everyone went through.

Ina Coveney: What were they bullying you about?

Elyssa Smith: Mostly socio-economic status and my style. We didn’t have the brand-name clothes that were popular. I was bullied for looking “outdated.” It seems silly now, but at the time, it felt devastating. I thought, “I need to change myself so I’m not a target anymore.”

Ina Coveney: When you got to college, what was that like? Did things start to change?

Elyssa Smith: My freshman year was isolating. I didn’t have a roommate and struggled to find my tribe. For the first time, I didn’t have teachers or anyone guiding me, and I felt completely lost. Simple things, like managing money or eating a balanced diet, were overwhelming. I just tried to survive.

Ina Coveney: At what point did you start becoming more self-aware—realizing maybe there was something deeper going on?

Elyssa Smith: After college, I became very depressed. Without the structure of school and constant deadlines, I didn’t know who I was or what to do. Therapy became a lifeline for me. One therapist asked me, “What was it like when people in your family got angry?” and I realized we never showed anger. That conversation started to unravel years of internalized beliefs for me.

Ina Coveney: Let’s fast forward a little to your twenties. What happened after college? How did you start transitioning from just trying to survive to realizing, “Maybe there’s something I need to address here”?

Elyssa Smith: After college, I struggled to find purpose. I was working part-time and had lost the structure that school provided. I became increasingly depressed and called my mom one day, asking, “What do people do on their day off? I don’t know how to just… exist.” That led me to therapy when things got really serious. One of my first sessions was pivotal. The therapist started asking about emotions in my family, and I realized we never allowed ourselves to feel anger. That session helped me start uncovering deeper patterns and beliefs.

Ina Coveney: Wow, that sounds like a huge realization. But then things started to get even heavier for you, didn’t they? Can you share how you met your husband and what that part of your life was like?

Elyssa Smith: Yes, I married my high school sweetheart. We had a rocky relationship even back then, but I thought it was normal. After we got married, I realized something was off. He had an addiction that neither of us fully understood at the time. I became a chameleon in the marriage, doing everything I could to avoid conflict and keep the peace. That meant constantly suppressing my own needs and feelings. Over time, the addiction led to betrayal and emotional and financial abuse. I didn’t realize how deeply traumatizing the relationship had become.

Ina Coveney: What were the signs that someone in a similar situation could look out for?

Elyssa Smith: One big sign was that whenever I voiced my concerns, they were invalidated. I was told I was expecting too much or that I was the problem. This reinforced a belief I had carried since childhood—that everything was my fault. If you find yourself constantly doubting your own feelings or being told that your concerns aren’t valid, that’s a red flag.

Ina Coveney: How did you eventually decide to leave? What was the moment when you realized, “I can’t do this anymore”?

Elyssa Smith: It took years and a lot of therapy. The turning point came after the traumatic birth of my son. We both barely survived, and I was dealing with severe physical issues while also caring for a colicky baby. On top of that, the emotional abuse in the marriage intensified. One day, I was on the phone with my mom, and she gently suggested that maybe I didn’t deserve the pain I was in. That idea was revolutionary for me. It planted a seed, and after another betrayal, I finally asked her, “Is it okay to leave?” Her response gave me permission to consider a new path.

Ina Coveney: What was the process of leaving like? Did you have a conversation with him, or was it something you planned quietly?

Elyssa Smith: I would never recommend doing this without professional help. I had therapists guiding me every step of the way. The final betrayal happened while we were traveling. I returned home early and sent him a letter explaining my decision. I told him I was going back to Indiana to be with my family and that I needed space to heal. It was incredibly painful, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Ina Coveney: After you left, how did he react? Was it a clean break, or were there moments where he tried to pull you back?

Elyssa Smith: He wanted me to come back and promised to change, but where it really mattered—his actions—nothing changed. I eventually had to distance myself because even interacting with him triggered a trauma response in me. I knew I had to protect my peace.

Ina Coveney: At what point did you decide to become a coach? How did that fit into your journey?

Elyssa Smith: I actually got certified as a coach while I was pregnant with my son. At first, I focused on helping women reduce stress, not fully understanding trauma at the time. After leaving my marriage and diving deeper into trauma work, I started to specialize in helping women heal from trauma and self-sabotage.

Ina Coveney: How did trauma specifically become a focus in your coaching?

Elyssa Smith: Around the time I moved back to Indiana, I started training in trauma and betrayal recovery. I realized that many of the women I was working with had experienced trauma, even if they didn’t initially recognize it. Trauma impacts the brain in profound ways, and I began incorporating those insights into my work. It’s been about six or seven years since I made that shift.

Ina Coveney: Now that you’ve come so far, how do you help women today?

Elyssa Smith: My focus is creating a safe, empowering space for my clients. Many of them are hard on themselves, just like I used to be. I help them identify where they’re sabotaging themselves and uncover any underlying trauma. For some, it’s about learning to live in alignment with their trauma recovery journey. For others, it’s peeling back the layers to discover trauma they didn’t know was there. We build a lifestyle that supports their healing and empowers them to move forward.

Ina Coveney: I love that. For anyone listening, we’ll put the link to Elyssa’s free Facebook group, Stress Less Lounge, in the show notes. It’s such a safe space to talk about big T, little t, and tiny T traumas and get support. Elyssa, knowing you has been such a privilege. You have this incredible ability to make people feel safe and seen. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Elyssa Smith: Thank you so much, Ina. That means the world to me. It’s so important for people to know that healing is possible, no matter how deep the pain feels.

Ina Coveney: If someone could do just one thing in the next 24 hours to start their healing journey, what would you recommend?

Elyssa Smith: Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your self-sabotage is not your fault. It’s a result of things you’ve been through, and it’s possible to heal. Start by being gentle with yourself.

Ina Coveney: That’s beautiful. Thank you so much, Elyssa. Everyone, go follow her on Instagram at Your Best Moment Is Now and join her Facebook group. Elyssa, I love you so much. Thank you for being here and sharing your heart with us.

Elyssa Smith: I love you too, Ina. Thank you for giving me this space. Healing is possible for everyone, and I’m so honored to be part of this conversation.